OCI #8: Learning from Healthy Marriages
What couples therapists can tell us about staying strong in challenging times
Today’s intersection: Couples’ therapy. I was rereading Dr. John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and found that many of the ideas there provide interesting insights about building healthy relationships to support organizational change1.
When organizations undertake change or experience unplanned disruption, it can place high levels of stress on the system and the people within it. Systems in which people have strong, positive connections with one another are better able to weather these challenges than those in which they do not. Marriages and other committed relationships present a microcosm of the dynamics of human interaction, and help us understand the ingredients of successful connection.
Dr. John Gottman, one of the pioneering researchers in this field, is able to predict success and failure in marriage with over 90% accuracy after listening to as little as five minutes of a couple’s interaction. He concludes that happily married couples “have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones.”
Let’s start with the signs of danger he looks for:
The Four Horsemen
Escalating negative interactions can be lethal to relationships. As you read through these, consider how they might apply to your workplace interactions—both verbal and nonverbal.
Criticism. A complaint is a statement of a specific action in which the other person failed to meet our expectations. (You said you’d put gas in the car but you didn’t.) A criticism throws in a broader evaluation of the person’s character. (You forgot to put gas in the car again—you are so absent-minded.)
→ Gottman says, “To turn any complaint into a criticism, just add my favorite line: ‘What is wrong with you?’” ←Contempt. Sarcasm, cynicism, hostile humor, and disgust signal that a person is taking the moral “high ground” and operate to devalue the other person. (Do you think I really believe you when you promise me you’ll do it tomorrow?) Contempt is often fueled by unresolved differences that simmer and fester.
Defensiveness. Although defending oneself in a situation where criticism and contempt are present is understandable, it’s rarely effective. (I have a much busier schedule than you—it’s unfair for you to expect me to get everything done.) It escalates tension by blaming the other person (the problem isn’t me, it’s you!)
Stonewalling. When discussions become more acrimonious, and cycles of contempt and defensiveness escalate, one or both parties often disengage, tune out, or turn away.
Application to Organizational Change: In situations of change, we often need to work through unmet expectations and differences of opinion. There are problems to solve and differences in goals and values that can lead to negative interactions. These are the situations where relationships are built or destroyed.
In marriages, the “Four Horsemen” are predictors of divorce. If these patterns are mostly absent, and people are able to constructively resolve their differences, it suggests a relatively happy and enduring connection.
In organizations, the presence of these patterns is likely to lead to high levels of disengagement, dissatisfaction, turnover, and high levels of drama and turbulence during change. Their absence would point toward healthy patterns of working through conflict and challenge which, in turn, are contributors to successful change. If someone took a snapshot of your organization, what would they see?
When people are checking out or playing the “blame game,” it’s likely that the other elements—criticism and maybe even contempt—are present as well, although they may be less visible. Is there an unspoken assumption that there is something wrong with people who disagree with you or don’t “get on board” with a change? Do people communicate in ways that claim moral high ground for their position and devalue other points of view? Are there long-term unresolved differences that perpetuate these cycles?
Fortunately, these issues can be addressed and resolved.
The Seven Principles
These are the principles Gottman provides for couples who wish to build healthier relationships, along with my summary of each. Think beyond the “marriage” language and imagine how each of these might apply to the world of work. You are probably already doing at least some of these things; you may also find some new ideas to explore. (And—what the heck—you might even find some insights that will help you in a close relationship!)
Enhance Your Love Maps. This involves knowing the other person’s world in some degree of detail. What are their stresses? Dreams? Aspirations? Worries? Preferences? The information you gain helps you increase your empathy and understanding of what the other person values and how they see things. What are you doing to understand the maps of the people around you? How might you learn more about their perspectives? How can you share yourself more deeply with others?
Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration. It’s important to establish a foundation of respect and liking for one another—a fundamental sense that each person has value as a human being; this operates as an antidote to contempt and disgust. To what extent do you work on exploring and building on individual strengths, and on looking for the good in what others are doing?
Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. People reach out to one another in many small ways. This principle is about paying attention to and valuing everyday interactions, and responding to bids for attention, affection, or support rather than allowing distraction and mindlessness to keep us distant. These small exchanges build emotional “bank accounts” and form the fabric of relationships. How do you respond when people reach out to you? In an increasingly remote world, how do you make sure that you have frequent, small, positive interactions with others?
Let Your Partner Influence You. Decision-making is an important zone for demonstrating respect. The ways in which we take others’ opinions and feelings into account make a difference. Searching for common ground in disagreement, being open to sharing power rather than insisting on having one’s own way, avoiding the “four horsemen”—all of these move relationships toward balance and health. How do you open yourself up to be influenced? When you disagree with others, how do you make sure you are taking them into account?
Solve Your Solvable Problems. Not all problems are solvable, but many are. Taking action to discuss and address issues, rather than avoiding or ignoring them, prevents them from festering. Actively committing to face problems, stating complaints clearly and respectfully, making and receiving “repair attempts” when injury is done, taking steps to calm ourselves and others when tempers get high, being open to compromise, and tolerating one another’s flaws and foibles are some of the suggestions that Gottman offers. Do you actively seek to surface and address solvable problems? Do you have a tool kit for working through issues with skill and emotional intelligence?
Overcome Gridlock. Some problems, particularly those that stem from differences in underlying values, goals, and dreams, need to be lived with rather than resolved. It’s easy to get stuck here, getting more frustrated and polarized, instead of talking through the differences and figuring out how to navigate them. Gottman suggests that this process starts with understanding the dream that underlies the other person’s perspective, and describes 3 levels at which one person can honor another’s dream they don’t share. One is to express understanding and learn more, another is to provide practical/financial support, and a third is to find a way to become part of the dream. How do you recognize situations where the depth of individual values and dreams makes compromise unworkable? How do you create space for and support others’ dreams you don’t share (and maybe don’t even understand)?
Create Shared Meaning. Designing an environment of shared values and goals in which each person’s dreams, even if not shared, are honored; incorporating customs, rituals, and stories to build a “microculture”; and ensuring sufficient flexibility to accommodate change as people grow and develop—these create a sense of “we” and create a foundation for shared growth and happiness. What are some of the symbols, rituals, and stories that help you build a sense of “we”? How do you shape goals and visions that create space for everyone’s dreams?
Application to Organizational Change: The first two principles lay the foundation—they focus on recognizing and valuing each other as human beings with diverse perspectives and strengths. While “icebreaker exercises,” time for informal conversation, and sharing pictures of pets may seem silly, these are the kinds of things that fill out our “maps” of each other’s worlds. And placing high importance on learning and honoring one another’s unique strengths and qualities gives us a starting point for liking and admiration.
The next two principles focus on small patterns of interaction and influence. They call on us to move away from “automatic pilot” and bring mindfulness to our exchanges with others. In particular, they invite us to listen more carefully and use what we learn to respond more helpfully and allow others’ needs and wishes to influence us. Sometimes this means slowing down a bit in an environment where there is pressure to move quickly and decisively.
Problems and disagreements are a predictable part of the change landscape. Principles 5 and 6 first call on us to differentiate solvable problems from those that need to be lived with and navigated. They then ask us to move toward these issues, putting active energy into surfacing and resolving them, rather than waiting until they can’t be ignored.
The last principle focuses on moving beyond I/you and we/they to consciously create an “us.” It reminds us of the importance of ceremony, symbol, and ritual to establish a sense of shared identity, making sure everyone is on the inside and not the outside. From this place of connection, we can move forward more powerfully to achieve a shared purpose.
By bringing wisdom from couples’ therapy into the workplace, we can build stronger relationships that provide a healthy environment for working through the challenges of change. I hope you’ve found a gem or two to take away. I’m working on another tidbit from the couples’ therapy world to share in my Prosilience newsletter next week, and I hope to see you again in future episodes of this Organizational Change Intersections newsletter.
Gottman’s research encompasses same-sex as well as heterosexual couples. The findings are very similar across populations, with a few interesting differences. Here’s a summary of this research.