OCI #19: Games People Play—Part 2
OCI #19: Games People Play—Part 2
Strokes, Pastimes, and Games (and Warm Fuzzies)
In my previous post, I provided a brief overview/refresher of a framework called Transactional Analysis (TA). In this one, I’ll add some depth and detail.
Strokes
One of the building blocks of TA is the concept of strokes. The basic idea is that all humans have some level of biological hunger for recognition that stems from our early need for physical contact. A stroke is any act by one person that implies recognition of another (a nod of the head, a word, etc.), and a transaction is an exchange of strokes between two people. Eric Berne says:
…the principle which emerges here is that any social intercourse
whatever has a biological advantage over no intercourse at all.
Claude Steiner, who was also involved in the development of TA, coined the terms “warm fuzzies” and “cold pricklies” to denote strokes that feel good and those that feel icky. If Berne is right (and there’s a lot of evidence to suggest he is), we’ll take cold pricklies when we can’t get warm fuzzies because any strokes are better than none.
Humans have developed many conversational rituals, such as greetings, that are mostly about exchanging strokes. (“Hi, how are you?” “Fine! Good to see you.”) For the most part, these tend to be healthy and positive, and they form a large part of our social world.
Pastimes
Berne suggests that another large portion of our interaction falls into the category of pastimes, which are recurring types of ritual conversations. You can pretty much predict the content of a conversation like this just by knowing its type. He lists a number of pastimes, including “General Motors” (comparing cars), “How Much” (what things cost), “Do You Know” (so-and-so), etc. I would add a few more, including “Hey, Y’all, Watch This,” “Kids These Days,” and “My Back Hurts.” We use these to build relationships, establish roles, gain approval, and disclose attitudes, but they are primarily about the exchange of strokes.
Games
In addition to interactions that are primarily about exchanging strokes, there are those that are about achieving outcomes. These fall into two categories: operations, straightforward transactions in which the parties involved openly communicate what they want and get what they are looking for
, and games, in which at least one of the people has an underlying motive and there is a payoff to one or both parties for playing. Games depend on ulterior transactions, where the overt message being sent is different from the intended meaning of the message. Here’s an example:Salesperson: This one is better, but you can’t afford it.
Customer: That’s the one I’ll take.
Analysis: The words of the salesperson’s message are Adult to Adult; the hidden meaning is also from the Adult but directed at the customer’s Child. The customer’s words are also Adult to Adult, but the hidden meaning is from the Child [“I’ll show you I’m as good as any of your customers”].
Berne has cataloged a number of games, from the trivial to the dangerous, with each one having a name and description. Here are a few of the games that are particularly relevant to the world of organizational change:
Why Don’t You—Yes But
In this game, Person 1 presents a problem or issue, and Person 2 (and perhaps additional people as well) suggest solutions. To each one, Person 1 objects by explaining why the solution won’t work. The game continues until people run out of solutions to suggest, whereupon Person 1 “wins.”
Since this game involves rejecting the solutions, you might wonder what purpose it serves. Berne’s analysis is that while on the surface this is an Adult to Adult game, in which one person appears to be looking for solutions, the ulterior dialogue is Child to Parent. Person 1’s request has an undertone of a Child inadequate to meet the situation, which hooks the wise Parent persona in the other players. They get a chance to dispense their wisdom, which is met by the Child’s response of “Yes, but…”.
Berne suggests that the motto of the game is: “Don’t get panicky, the Parent never succeeds,” and that the payoff is the silence that occurs when all the others have racked their brains and gotten tired of looking for acceptable solutions.
I’m Only Trying to Help You
This game, sometimes played by consultants, starts when Person 1, the professional, gives some advice to Person 2, a client. The client comes back and reports that the suggestion didn’t work. Person 1 then tries again and again, and begins to express inadequacy and bewilderment at the ingratitude of the client for not recognizing how hard they are trying to help. Person 1 wins this game when they are reassured that their help will not be accepted, or that it will be very difficult to make progress.
What’s this one about? First of all, it’s important to recognize that legitimate attempts to be helpful don’t count. Good faith offers of help are genuinely coming from the Adult. The game happens when Person 1 is seeking to validate their own beliefs that people are ungrateful and disappointing (You’re Not OK). While on the surface they are an Adult offering assistance to another Adult, they do so in a way that invites the client to move to the Child position and resist the help being offered. This game works best when Person 2 is motivated to play Why Don’t You—Yes But or a similar game.
Implications for Organizational Change
Pay attention to the need for strokes and the lengths to which people will go to get them even if they are cold pricklies. Notice what kinds of strokes you offer to others, and what strokes feel good when you get them. Think about how it feels when you haven’t gotten enough strokes in a while.
Notice the recurring pastimes conversations in your work. What do people talk about in social situations? Before meetings start? Recognize the importance of structure and rituals to create a sense of security even if they don’t have the effect of moving the work forward.
Pay attention to effective operations and how often they involve Adult to Adult communication, and an underlying sense of I’m OK—You’re OK. Work on strategies for building a strong Adult in your own work. Here are some suggestions from Harris
:
Learn to recognize your Child, its vulnerabilities and fears, and how it expresses these feelings.
Learn to recognize your Parent and how it uses admonitions, injunctions, and fixed positions.
Be sensitive to the Child in others—talk to it, protect it, and appreciate its need for creative expression as well as the NOT OK burden it may be carrying.
Count to 10 as needed to give the Adult time to emerge.
When in doubt, don’t say it.
Build a strong ethical framework and value system to guide your decision-making.
Watch for games in which someone’s words (maybe yours!) are masking an ulterior motive. In particular, notice of you are getting sucked into a game of Why Don’t You, Yes But or I’m Only Trying to Help You and take a step back so you can shift to a healthier interaction.
Where you see games, be alert for places where people are carrying an I’m Not OK or a You’re Not OK mindset and do what you can to set a healthier tone.
Recognize that how we talk to each other is every bit as important as what we say, and that the best foundation for sustained change is Adult—Adult interaction that embodies an I’m OK—You’re OK mindset.
I thought I was going to include a section on Contracting, which is a consulting tool that originally came from the therapy/TA world, but it feels important enough to be a separate article and this is long enough already. I’ll come back to that another day! See you in two weeks for the next installment of OCI.
In going through Games People Play, I realized how much psychoanalytical jargon is in there. I don’t think it’s very helpful for general audiences. If you’re interested in digging a little deeper on TA, you might want to look at Thomas A. Harris’s I’m OK—You’re OK. It doesn’t have a deep-down analysis of the games, but is written in much plainer language and has a lot of good guidance on analyzing transactions and cues for spotting the Parent, Adult, and Child.
In this context, intercourse means any kind of interpersonal interaction rather than referring to sexual activity.
When we are working together in healthy ways, most of our work is done through operations, and through Adult—Adult conversations.
The word games does not in any way suggest that these are necessarily fun. Games can include seriously deviant and problematic behaviors and interactions. I’ve stayed away from the realm of clinical psychology and focused on some of the ones that I see most often in organizations.
Paraphrased from I’m OK—You’re OK, Chapter 5: Analyzing the Transaction, p. 100 in Kindle version.